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I'm just getting tired of having to be the enforcer with my son. It's becoming a daily battle just to do homework, practice his instrument, clean up his toys, etc. I've had to become the mean mom just to get him to do his stuff. And it's not that I'm mean, per se. I just have to raise my voice, and threaten him (loss of privileges, bad grades, etc) just to get him to accomplish anything. It's getting old and I'm getting tired of having to do it. There's got to be a better way.
I get this constant litany of "I know, mom!" whenever I remind him to do something. But if I don't remind him, I get "I forgot." Damned if I do, and damned if I don't.
Finally, I just told him that I don't care anymore. He can do whatever the heck he wants to do. If that means fail, then so be it. However, if he chooses not to practice, he no longer gets those private lessons that he asked for for months. And, even when he does 'give in', I get this exasperated "Okay! Okay!" coming out of his mouth every freaking time. I'm on the verge of giving up. He's got to learn to do things for himself, and not for me. Otherwise, when he gets older, and is on his own, without a nagging mom, he won't do shit.
Yesterday, he told his dad that he wants to be put up for adoption. All because his dad was paying attention to the friend that he had over to play. They were talking music artists (that my son didn't have an interest in), while my son chose to play Harry Potter Lego on the computer (ignoring his friend, who doesn't like Harry Potter stuff, of which my son is aware). We try and try to explain, to teach him how to be a good friend, but it's obvious he doesn't care to learn. Every time we remind him we get "Okay! Okay! I get it." It doesn't seem to sink in. I don't know what else to do. Just at my wits end this evening and it all just is getting to me.
Soon he'll be starting his behavioral therapy. Maybe we can get something else going on here to make this better. I'm sure my son doesn't enjoy having a nagging mom. It just seems to be the only way to get him to do ANYTHING.
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4 comments:
The discipline problem can be tough in the optimal circumstances, which you don't have. I'd strongly recommend you employ a positive reinforcement plan, with charts of tasks you want done each day (making the bed, or whatever) with points given for each task accomplished, which can later be converted to something your son enjoys. It's certainly a tough problem and a difficult age, and I'm sorry you feel a lot of the discipline and negativity is devolving to you. Good luck.
Oh, we do the positive reinforcement thing, to some extent. Right now, if we over focus on everything, he just gets overwhelmed. The main issue we were working on had more to do with his aggressive, violent behavior at school (he'd throw chairs and such when he'd get frustrated, then try to hurt himself).
Last night I was just tired. I've ordered a book to see if I can come up with some different strategies to help. Part of the problem is that he is in honors classes, so he gets a lot of work there. On top of that, he went home sick Monday and stayed home Tuesday, due to having a cold. His resource teacher wanted him to stay home Wednesday, since there was a field trip to a baseball game, in the heat of the day. There was going to be no way that he was going to be able to handle that trip, even with a para (he overheats easily, which causes him to not be able to handle any kind of stress). So he's been home for 3 days and has lots of homework. He never handles that well, either.
Hopefully he'll be well enough to go to and stay at school today. His para brought his work by yesterday, so if he is too ill to go to school, he won't fall behind. And really, he isn't too ill, it's just that any kind of sickness (sore throat, cough, congestion) will cause him to not be able to handle stress/disappointment of any kind. Just frustrating, all in all.
I had to smile when I read this.
I remember those times well. Kids at that age learn to push their parents' buttons. They don't do it to be mean, per se... They're just becoming assertive and more self-assured at that stage, and maybe a wee bit selfish; and think they know more than they actually do.
They're also on 'auto-pilot' as far as responding to say whatever it is that will cancel the 'parental-nagging alarm'. They 'say' they're going to do (name 'chore / undesired task' here), just to shut you up, and may even intend to do it (later... or much later).
Remember that you and hubby are a team. Trade-off now and then, so you're not always the 'bad guy'. There will be times that neither of you will get through to the kid.
Just keep trying. You WILL get through this. We're amazed at how well our kid turned out! 7 short years later, she's graduating University, is a decent, well-rounded, hard-working and really likable kid.
And if you're serious about wanting to read some really great self-help books, I can't recommend Lynn Johnston's 'For Better or For Worse' series of cartoon books highly enough (your kid will like 'em too).
One is titled 'If this is a lecture, how long will it be?'. The cover illustration shows the son glibly speaking these words while a rather exasperated mom, at her wits' end, looks out at the reader for help.
Smile Mom! I think that's you in the picture.
Rich
Normally, we do switch off. Unfortunately, my spouse was out of town, so I couldn't get him to take over. So, I just vented here. Still, we have the issue that my son responds better to me than his dad. Could be due to the fact that they're so alike.
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